person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is