My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Not all heroes wear capes…
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
OH. COME. ON.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.