My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 馃槀
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I鈥檓 going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can鈥檛 eat his soup
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don鈥檛 want him to choose? Also yes
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I鈥檇 been putting off for 3 months
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Welcome to adulthood: you鈥檙e not hungover it鈥檚 just Tuesday.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don鈥檛 accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won鈥檛 I鈥檓 not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I鈥檓 Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help