how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it