In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
greetings!
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!