Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”