George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.