MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want