Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*