You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
WHY?!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.