me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget