They should invent clothes that get fat with you
You Might Also Like
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
never compromise your values
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt