Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost