[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.