Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
You Might Also Like
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”