I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My typo game is string.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.