he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold