BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Festive toon…
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
How is it still this week?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.