“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I’m Sold!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.