How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I didn’t realize that was an option
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”