Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Weirdly Wednesday.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I can’t deal with men any longer
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool