I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
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My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”