You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
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doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
no such thing as a dumb question
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?