People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
how it started vs how it ended
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.