melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
The only equipped I am is ill.