There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
You Might Also Like
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
titanic
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair