I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.