Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
You Might Also Like
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.