We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
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How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.