If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*power walks to the refrigerator*