If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I feel attacked.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
They did not think through this water fountain
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard