First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda