Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
thanks auntie mary
#oldknees
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.