alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You Might Also Like
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*