Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
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[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated