I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
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The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
How to make infinite energy.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?