Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
greetings!