Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.