adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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Time heals everything 🙂
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
bro what is going on at twitter
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!