dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
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EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Möther may I have a snäck
Introverted vegans go meetless
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Another interesting #factupdates post!
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.