Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
it must be school picture day
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.