I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?