ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.