What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”