If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Great Canadian literature.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease