My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack