Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My new favorite headline
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”