Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.