Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Florida man
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
That 👊
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
i think we should see other cousins