New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
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Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Why is no one talking about this?!
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.